(Dreamer)

You know you're investing to nothing when you actually see it. And half of this blog is exactly it. With that filthy intentions, to find a way to reach someone that you might've been already know, you'll never be together with. Then you realized as he found his own way home, and the only thing you got to do is to find things to learn and hikmah behind all of these things. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal.  I hope I can actually delete this blog. But here is the only way I can make a conversation with myself and describing what I feel. And I know it's late, but I hope I can change that filthy intention and I hope these words could somehow becoming some learning materials at least for myself. Because I have many things to tell, and it seems that my other self wasn't allows me to blabbering about my problems, although alhamdulillah I've got a place to actually start to talk to once more. 

Tentang hati siapa sih yang tau?  Mungkin bahasannya akan selalu perasaan ini dan itu, padahal kalau tak ditanya, selamanya akan jadi teka-teki yang tak terjawab.  Pada akhirnya, teka-teki itu akan diisi dengan prasangka-prasangka yang tak berdasar dengan satu akibat yang pasti, kecewa.  Lalu di satu titik kamu bertanya-tanya, kenapa dulu tak kau tanya saja? Biar jelas sudah semua?.  Lalu pada saat itupun kamu mengutuk semua ketakutan, rasa rendah diri, dan egomu. Kenapa kamu tak pernah bertanya? Tanyamu lagi.  Masa kecewa itu memang berat, lalu ia berubah menjadi kesedihan yang melelahkan. Semoga saja segalanya cepat lewat dan kau bangkit kembali.  Karena aku yakin, kamu tau yg menjadi takdirmu, tak akan pernah melewatimu. Dan segala kepedihan yang kamu rasa adalah ujian dari Rabbmu yang paling sayang dan tau segalanya tentangmu. Jangan kamu mengutuk siapapun, dari awal kamulah yang salah meletakkan hatimu di sembarang tempat. Dan ini saatnya kamu kembali ...

People around me were so latahan banget dah. Kenawhy nikahan orang terdekat selalu di jadikan reminder biar gua cepet nikah hffttt. I never had any idea for becoming sabbatical from marriages *tho I never said it loudly, I knew I kept procrastinating from actually doin' ta'aruf. Everything just looks way too blurry in term of ta'aruf *not the ta'aruf itself, but my prejudices.  I know I should've take this state (single and being unemployed) to actually grow and learn every possible way to take a part in this ummah *including learning about pra-nikah. But taat before someone you barely know is way too shaddy and risky *just by CV that I can't fully trust, I don't trust my own CV btw. For me, to actually considering doing ta'aruf, at least we need to have had crossing paths before (online or offline doesn't matter) and actually saw each other personalities or whatever you say it *even tho I'm totally sure we already change so much.  I knew why I d...

Baru kelar nonton drakor wkwk, skip season sebelumnya lanjut ikutin yg release taun ini ajalah hehe. Even tho our approach in pursuing relationship a whole world different, but I think people have some similar consideration.  Well that drama got me thinking about that last proposal I've got this year. If Yumi thought that it was about the timing, in my case I think timing isn't the first thing to think of, purpose is. Kak Tita said "masa kesemsem tuh paling bertahan berapa lama sih?", you definitely need a bigger purpose to start a bigest change in your life.  If it's just about sensation of butterfly on your tummy, I think it's easy, just lower your guard down a little bit, and I think you might fall in a trap. But this is about a long sailing journey with one person for the rest of your life. You gotta make sure you both have the same destination, conscious about each other role and responsibility, and also make sure you both ready for the upcoming storms an...

Emak-emak tuh ya, kalo udah keluar, mau kenal atau ngga, ditinggal bentar udah asik aja ngobrol sama sebelahnya *sungguh tydak bisa relate.  Walaupun emak ngga jadi donor darah, tapi mayan lah ya motoran sambil mengenang masa-masa SMA yg wilayahnya udah bukan hutan lagi sekarang wkwk. Mayestik sampe Blok M tuh wilayah jajahannya emak gua, tapi anehnya doi ngga familiar sama daerah Senayan *padahal tinggal lompat doang. Emak-emak tuh kenapa ya, kalo ngobrol nemu aja gitu info anaknya orang trus berakhir jodoh²in. Padahal yakin cuma cuap-cuap doang, bakal ketemu itu ibu-ibu lagi juga almost impossible *hish pan yg malu anaknya, untung aing maskeran.  Kalo you udah lama ngga rutin donor lagi, apalagi aktivitas fisik udah ngga se-aktif dulu, umur juga udah bau tanah, sekalinya donor lagi tuh efeknya agak lebih parah dari pertama kali donor. Udah mana mata berkunang-kunang, keliyengan, pas darah berusaha ngalir ke kepala tuh juga berasa banget, and your hand and heart felt so funny...

Kind of addicted to Bogor 🫣 Jalannya itu loh, rindang, sebenernya di Bintaro atau Graha atau bahkan Senayan juga ada bagian jalan yang rindang, tapi entah lebih seneng aja gitu muter-muter ring luar Kebun Raya Bogor sambil jalan kaki, trus baliknya lewat alun-alun sambil jajan. Haaaa sugoku ureshi kataaaa :3. Kalo ada rejeki keknya bisa si di rutinkeun, kalo waktunya lenggang, sepedaan ke stasiun juga asik, trus lanjut keretaan sampe Bogor. Semoga dapat kerjaan sekitar bogor, ben bisa wandering around seenak jidat :3.

I thought this past years I don't really feel alive, beside everything becoming tastless with me losing my purpose of life, this world doesn't seems okay too, so It's not just me, everyone seems on survival mode and look at your surroundings and guess how many people who's barely living. Tapi kalo gua pikir lagi, selalu ada hal baru mau itu sekarang, setahun lalu, atau dulu. Dan masa-masa yang gua pikir seru itu sebenernya sama aja, banyak momen-momen nyesek juga dan mungkin karena sudah jadi kenangan jadi sounds interesting and fun.  Diantara takdir baik dan buruk itu, kita selalu punya pelajaran yg jadi celah kita untuk tumbuh. Gua kira cuma hal-hal yg gua bilang "seru" yg bikin gua hidup, padahal learning the hard way yg justru gua rasa bikin agak sedikit lebih dewasa. This Ramadhan, just like other Ramadhan and months that was past by, I'm doing lots of new things, dan nyicil project yg possibly bisa dikerjain. Wellh starting something never never been...

Katanya pahala sabar itu tak terhingga. Pahala orang puasa itu spesial langsung dari Allah,  karena kita bersabar terhadap apa yg sebenernya dihalalkan dalam kurun waktu yg ditentukan. My sister told me and Mama about pahala sabr things, and encourage us that we must be granted with a huge amount of pahala if we can do sabr with certain calamities that we've been encountered this past years.  If I thought about it, well I'm certainly doing it badly. Being stuck in this situations is such a huge burden and tremendously hard. Just look at how our character change drastically. Last time, Mama can't hold her tears and cried loudly though I almost never saw her cried even once before. I did moved into a room with a door lock, and my lil bro also prefer lock in his own room as much as I do. This house doesn't feel safe lately, so we do what we do now.  But thinking it as a qadr from Allah somehow sedikit membesarkan hati. Jalani aja dulu kali ya, sebenernya we expected to do ...

Lingkungan rangorang pas bocil tuh mirip-mirip ngga si?, eh bukan lingkungan ya, budaya? Hmm beda suku beda budaya dong ya?, kalau how things work?, maksudnya the way "ketua geng" becoming ketua geng and had his/her own "power and law".  Kalo jaman gua si, dari jaman TK sampai SMP entah sampai SMA juga atau ngga, kita tuh suka "adu kekuatan", buat membuktikan kalo kita itu kuat *Physically*. If you need to name it, hmm contohnya kuat-kuatan "gendong tuan putri" (Gendong didepan trus kepala temen you di satu lengan, trus dengkulnya di lengan sebelahnya). Serius itu cara gendong terberat cuy, dan masih ada lebih banyak lagi kegiatan fisik yg dijadikan bocah-bocah buat membuktikan siapa yg kuat dan ngga. Gua ngga tau siapa yg mencetus, tapi hisssh anda sangat menyebalkan, pertumbuhan tinggi gua terganggu gegara angkat beban dari kecil.  Walaupun gua yakin banget gua udah membuktikan bahwa I was strong enough, tapi beberapa kali gua tetep jadi outcas...

Tadi malam ada yg cerita ke bang co that she/he hardly make a decision especially when the other were affected by it. I've been there, and I know although you act strong on the outside, the guilt wouldn't came off of your head. But I'm sure everyone would learn and taking notes in a progress, so you can make decisions more wisely and somehow you're gonna used to it in the future.  Sebenernya yg mau gua hightlight adalah kata-kata bang co yg, "Kalo orang yang ada didalam masalah tuh kadang ngga bisa lihat variabel-variabel lain.... Bagi orang yg lagi didalam masalah, masalahnya itu berasa pelik sampai pusing banget". 100% truuuue banget kata gua teh. Nah karena gua mager ngetik, mari kita ikhtiarkan variabel lain sambil berdoa dan bersabar dalam masalah hidup yang Allah kasih buat meningkatkan kebaikan dalam diri kita. Oiya sekalian sambil beli barbel buat nambahin otot yg ilang 💪.

My niece told me about normal things, I think in every school and generations "ceng cengan". Whoaa tiba-tiba kek nyadar umur, ponakan kecilku sekarang sudah besar. Adiknya yg beda setahun bilang, "iya tuh kakak di sekolah ada yg suka", trus Uminya langsung nyamber sama pembahasan bocah-bocah sama tantenya sebelumnya. "Kakak kalo suka tuh ngga apa-apa, wajar, tapi kalo nyatain gitu ngga boleh ya kak". It is that time of their life already. Bener kata kakak gua, mungkin referensi kita sama, atau bisa jadi beda, karena banyak ustadz yg membekali kita dengan nasihat yang sama atau at least serupa. Tapi as I said, in so many occasions, menjalaninya ngga semudah itu. Sebelum gua paham, gua juga punya prinsip yang sama sebelumnya. Tapi, yang paling susah itu menata hati. Bayangin crush dari jaman MI baru bener-bener kelar pas kuliah. Padahal ketemunya lagi cuma sekali di acara reuni tahun baruan pas kelas 12. Setelah belajar, masih sama kok, tetep susah move on. ...

Haha I'm officially 30 y.o Mixed feeling actually. You know, you've being told so many things by so many human in your life that life is gonna be this and that. And you also heard hadits told about things and you read stories. But in some moment of your life,  you're realized what it actually means by going through it. Is it another kind of nonesense?  Maybe, is it a reflection? Nah I don't think so.  ..... I was into birthday things just like the other kids around me. But because my family almost never celebrating those kind of things, I kinda lose interest and trying not to 'romanticize' birthday to the point, I felt annoyed when people in my class started to sing, and of course I ran away.  Ada beberapa momen yg cukup memorable di bulan Januari especially on that day or even february. Yang paling berkesan itu, pas Mama dan Bapak ke asrama, out of nowhere, just both of them, and giving me mp3 player I've been wishing for, and I didn't even think they a...

I raaarely used AI chatting app. Soale I usually used it for curcol purposes most of times. And it just validate anything you say, and giving you insight you might already know. Itumah sama aja kaya things I'm doing now, writing nonsense on this blog. I know I'm just trying to validate whatever I think it's right,  padahal long long way in the bottom of my heart sometimes I know "right" things I supposed to take.  Jadi paham kan kenapa manusia disebut an-Nas, sebagai makhluk yg berkelompok,  bersosial?! . Walaupun beda orang, beda waktu, beda jumlah dan densitas circlenya, kita tetep punya kecondongan untuk bersosial secara nyata atau maya, even if it's in game, medsos etc etc. Bahkan ketika kita matipun, impossible we don't need other people, kecuali mayat kita ngga ditemukan atau kesholihannya menembus langit, sampai janaiz dilakukan oleh malaikat *wallahu a'lam if it's possible.  Jadi, I think AI would never replacing real human. I still need ot...

I supposed to make one writing a day this month. Hmm I don't know, I think it was started from last month or two months ago. I barely open my eyes throughout nights and sometimes days too. I know it's one of my coping mechanism, I don't want to think about problems, just sleep. Sometimes it tooks 4-9 hours, on some worst day, I think I've ever slept for 12 hours or more. I even lost focus on some part of Ittiba, because I was so sleepy :( Hmm I'm not supposed to write this :(, my plan is to write and think again to find hikmah, or do syukr, or anything to make me think and perhaps getting closer to my Rabb. Well maybe sleeping out my problem somehow is a grace from my Rabb. How many people need to seek professional help only to help them sleep from their busy head. Alhamdulillah bini'mati tatimush shalihaats :3.  It's almost ramadhan again, and alhamdulillah asatidz on my yt and ig timeline talk about du'a "Allahumma baariklana fii rajaba wa sya...

Being so much distracted lately. From not-so-productive crocheting, up to another unstoppable noodle time. I'm quitting comparing my self, my state, etc to the other, because the after effect isn't something manageable, it's more likely destructive. And things that more and more noticeable as I'm starting to listen to ustadzah Tika Faiza is, I'm becoming aware of my so called psychological states in some moments. When I think I need to control my anger, and try to alter my thoughts about my problems and concerns, learn to identify things that are manageable over inevitable qadar, or maybe simply learn to be more calm in any situations (although I fail over and over again).  When I'm observing my parents and siblings and niece, I think I know one of many reasons I'm not thinking that much about marriage and the fact that it is part of my takdir (up until now). Because I know what my objectives are and marriage must be the hardest test of my life, and I'm ...

Ubi apa kabar ya?  Padahal sebelum puasa udah excited banget dan my head got ahead of me *as usual, mbayangin another safari ramadhan with her, I really couldn't wait :). Makannya pas doi ngabarin insya Allah bakal ngambil job di tangsel hayati couldn't tone down my excitement to find her a kosan room by ma bike. She was one of many sources of happiness pas jaman sekrp**an, ano ko wa daijin no hito desu. Back then, I actually been hesitated to come to majlis ilmu at first, but because she was the one who asked me first to go to maskam (and she was chatting me out of nowhere), everything gotten so much easier and clearer. I really didn't know where to start but alhamdulillah, she was like a gift that Allah sent to fixed me.  Tapi qadarullah doi ngga jadi pindah dan ngambil jobnya :(. I really hope that she get a better job soon and anything the best for her, and I really hope to see her again someday. I was in jin mode *always been and probably will still be in near future. ...

"Jangan ragu untuk belajar dari yang terbaik di seluruh dunia" - Anies Baswedan I think my mental block was all over my head that making me kinda scared to go out from this country. Going out from this chamber sounds so impossible and hardly be achieved. There are decent counts of reasons and I'm still thinking that overseas is way to far, even just to gain master degree. I always doubting about my capacity before even try.  I still had no idea if it achievable, and maybe,  maybe, I would actually try to apply to study somewhere somehow in the future. Sounds like another wacana right?!. Well I'll let it be I guess. If the time is right, I believe I might really try. Like now, I somehow approaching to inoculate some mushrooms. Well, I'm still trying to find some simple equipment, and decomposing that accessible potential substrate, and I still had no idea if it really gonna work. Well let's see aja kali ya :3.

Memaknai kata "saya kaya banget, karena punya Allah" yg dibilang ustadz Adi. Ngga memaknai juga si, mungkin lebih ke merenungi kali ya?!, karena iman gua masih jauh sampai kesana. Belakangan kekecewaan datang berkali-kali tanpa permisi, sampai ke titik I'm a little too exhausted. Yaa Allah ini jalan hidup mau dikemanain? Kok yha kirain terjunnya udah sampai tanah, tapi ternyata masih bisa jatuh kebawah lagi.  Gua yakin ujian para asatidz pasti jauh lebih sulit, mungkin lu harus perbanyak ilmu biar tetep bisa optimis?!. Because I'm sure you really know that Allah want the "best for you", and that doesn't mean He gives dunya for you or whatever your desire is. Dan ustadz Ami juga pernah bilang, inget hari ngga selamanya malam dan gelap, dan badai di hidup kita juga pasti ada akhirnya, entah Allah perbaiki kondisi kita, atau mungkin berakhir karena kontrak kita di dunia sudah habis. Tapi walaupun paham ilmunya by logic, if it's not really internalized w...

Berkubang di kolam procrastination again and again.  Pfffttt bangun hey mantusia :( When you stuck, sometimes you choose to kept playing the same cassettes in your memories all over again. 'Cause I missed those human friends when I was a teenager. Sayang banget si entong terzeyeng rusak and my line was on reset without any backup, and so many photos on facebook had been deleted. Padahal mau reminiscing momen-momen yg sepertinya ngga bakal terulang, dan dokum yg ada sebatas album di Line dan some "currently still available timeline photos" di fb (and they would likely be unavailable anytime for some reasons like the other). While people growing up dan mendewasa, keknya cuma muka gua aja yg menua, tapi isi kepalanya stuck di before dan early 20s. My head still remember all those fun things. Lomba antar kelas, studi kolaboratif, rame-rame motoran ke pantai dan spot wisata lain, belajar gitar, atap asrama, rombongan ke nikahan temen, nakam-nakam, motoran ke Magelang sama Nad...

Missing beach so bad. Although my last experience was validated that I'm really bad at swimming, moreover in the ocean. But I still missed moments where I can feel the breeze, waves, small creatures in intertidal zones, even sands that left in my sandals. If it's like 10 years ago, I'll be more missing my friends or college fellows and moments when we were together, even 2 or more hours moments on the way to the beach.