The best gift

Haha I'm officially 30 y.o

Mixed feeling actually. You know, you've being told so many things by so many human in your life that life is gonna be this and that. And you also heard hadits told about things and you read stories. But in some moment of your life,  you're realized what it actually means by going through it. Is it another kind of nonesense?  Maybe, is it a reflection? Nah I don't think so. 

.....

I was into birthday things just like the other kids around me. But because my family almost never celebrating those kind of things, I kinda lose interest and trying not to 'romanticize' birthday to the point, I felt annoyed when people in my class started to sing, and of course I ran away. 

Ada beberapa momen yg cukup memorable di bulan Januari especially on that day or even february. Yang paling berkesan itu, pas Mama dan Bapak ke asrama, out of nowhere, just both of them, and giving me mp3 player I've been wishing for, and I didn't even think they actually knew. I almost cried, we never did this before, I never even wish anything for that day as any other days had passed by. Mereka jauh-jauh kesana, sore-sore, duduk berderet di tempat wudhu cowo, cuma ada gua, Mama dan Bapak. Dan waktu kunjungan udah mau habis, padahal cuma ngobrol sedikit, Mama as the only chatty person doain gua *yg gua lupa isinya apa. Well at this very kind of moment, it's tremendously harder to hold your tears. And I was secretly crying on the way to the dorm.

Ini bukan tentang hadiah, it's not even that special for most of people. Tapi the way they made me felt special, waktu yg mereka sisihkan, bolak-balik yg cukup jauh cuma untuk momen 10 - 30 menit. I didn't even realized it back then. Ini cuma satu momen kecil yg gua inget. Maka kewajiban bakti kepada orangtua make a lot of sense knowing you didn't even realized the hardships they've had for raising you :'

One day, you might be standing in their shoes. And you need to realize that it's a huge responsibility that Allah gives you. So maybe those tests was made especially for you to shape you, so you can go through many other responsibilities that hopefully becoming your supplies that defending you on the judgment day. So you need to do what's supposed to be done with the best and proper way possible. 

...... 

My soon to be teen niece gave me her book before we went to Ciledug. She insisted that I have to read this. I actually hate those overly sad kind of genre. But it was a good one, it makes you think I guess.


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I already reached the age that makes me felt lonely, bcs a lot if ppl at my ages in my country send their invitation or photo of their weddings, or photos of their 1st or 2nd child Kalo masih bulan lalu beda lagi ceritanya. Masalahnya I'm surrounded by people who're ready and already prepared to be married, dimana gua adalah manusia tertua di circle terbaru ini.  Padahal sebelum ini biasa aja, ngga tau ya kenapa vibesnya jadi berubah, sekarang² pingin nyanyi lonely... I feel so lonely, I have nobody.... Wkwk 😄😢. Tapi, gua yakin Allah pasti mempertemukan atau bisa juga gua mati duluan si, tapi tetep aja, gua yakin Allah pasti akan memberikan yang terbaik diwaktu yang tepat. Walaupun gua sama sekali belom bisa mencium aroma-aroma kapannya.  Nda apa-apa kalo teman² disekitar gua udah punya, mau dengan cara yg ma'ruf atau pacaran atau apalah, yang pasti, gua ngga boleh ikut²an. Allah udah memahamkan untuk ngga menyentuh hal² yang memang ngga dibolehkan. Ujian itu emang melati...
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Dear Jogja

Jogja, belum ditinggal udah kangen aja. Hehe~ Lagi seneng muter-muter jogja nih, mumpung lagi dapet pinjeman motor. Atau naik TJ, muter-muter tanpa tujuan -> ini beneran asik cuy, even if you're alone. Take a deep breath of jogja's air *tapi jangan pas deket jalan raya juga, bau kendaraan yang ada wqwq*. Masuk ke jalan-jalan yang ngga pernah dilewatin *always make sure gua bawa hape dengan paket data*. Haaah, I'm gonna miss you jogja, masih punya waktu sebulan lebih dijogja nih. Udah bikin wacana jalan sama orang-orang, dan tetap berakhir menjadi sebuah wacana. Semoga yang kepantai beneran jadi yak. Udah setaun euy ngga mantai, bener-bener defisiensi vitamin sea nih. Sampe suka sedih kalo liat foto pantai 😢. Hehe,,, gua ingin menyerap energimu jogja, just wait, insya Allah 😆. Ana uhibbuka fillah, dear jogja.
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Apa itu planning

Please bear with me. Kalo iman lagi lowbat gini emang. Planning yg keberadaannya ada dan tiada, mungkin lebih tepatnya harapan daripada planning, semuanya gagal total.  Ngga ada satupun yg tercapai. It's already half year,  tapi usaha gua masih gini-gini aja (elunya juga si wah kaga ada sungguh-sungguhnya sekali). Jadi, waktu itu ada post ustadz anb atau siapa lupa lewat. Ustadz bilang kalo lelaki menyengaja untuk tidak menikah tu ngga boleh,  kecuali doi berjihad di bidang ilmu seperti ulama-ulama terdahulu yg juga memilih atau terlalu sibuk untuk menikah. Tapi wanita tuh beda,  kalo mau berkhidmat dengan ilmu,  atau mengabdi pada orangtua, atau emang situasinya tidak memungkinkan buat nikah, wanita tu boleh memilih untuk ngga nikah. That was where the Aha moment came (ooo kalo gitu, mungkin ini tanda gua kudu berkhidmat sama ortu kali ya). Dari situlah gua mulai optimis cari-cari gawean lagi,  sebenernya opsi yg lebih memungkinkan adalah buka usaha, ...
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