Me being soft for a moment

The phrase "May you as well go home, as I did on my own" Lately playing in my head. That's actually a wrong lyrics, as I googling out it again. One thing that I'm not telling anyone is, actually I had another crush on someone, that I thought at that time I might finally end up with someone. But it end up as usual, he marrying someone else hehe. It always been that way, but Alhamdulillah bini'mati tatimushalihaats. 

I'm easily fall for someone, I realize it after more than a decade having a crush with an elementary friend, than finally easily moved on with other crushes. But those crushes never been reachable, whether I can never have a conversation with him, or it's a character from a manga or dorama, or the distance (literally) between us was way too far, or I'm already understood that there're hijab between man and woman, so it's almost impossible to chit chat with that creature again and etc etc. But Alhamdulillah it's always been that way, so I've never been swayed and end up dating. 

So the one that I want to be married with is never been my crush, because it's always change. And I can't control myself sometimes, so a character I like, most of times isn't husband-able *by islamic standard (just look at most of manga character, you might be understood). With all these barrier, I still thought I might be end up marrying someone (although the criteria of him must be an obedient muslim must be exceeded). Without that criteria, just think, how could they make a sakinah marriage if both of them didn't learn about this deen, or how could we dreaming of jannah, without practicing what our prophet had thought us all. 

Tho, I'm still learning and it always been a lifetime learning process. I always think it's better to be alone if I don't find one, or someone like that reach me out first (this is the most plausible approach, I'll never make the first move). Just think how miserable to live, thinking only about accomplishing this dunia target, it must be harder to breath than when I was in college, or now. I'm still a human tho, moreover a woman. Sometimes I'm thinking that it would've be nice to have a shoulder to rest my head on to. But, I'm also trying to love this life too, so anything that happened just be it, and it might be the best. 

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