(Dreamer)

I think, I'm just gonna do the journaling to make up my mind, because talking to a friend is not an easy thing as we get older. I don't really have a friend, if she's the one that intensely keep in touch with. Friends in my life are those who I met or contact when it is a time to do so. Pretty complicated but, low maintenance friendship is all we need as we getting old. I don't feel right to tell them my problems, and I don't think that it is easy to tell them what I feel, so I'm doing an easier work, that is to write them all.  If it's an update of me, it's me getting another allergic reaction. Well I have oversensitive immune system since I was a child. making it so hard to put socks and shoes. But teachers back then didn't want to understand, and we also couldn't pick up some of those scientific and medical reason, so in some season, I came home with itchy and hurting feet with socks sticking with infected skin and I had no idea how could I ma...

I'm surprised myself that I'm doing okay actually. No one ever knew what's going on with my life this year, except my family, but not whole fully understood what's going on, especially on my mind. I'm jumping from one heartbreak to another, and I'm perfectly fine *physically. Maybe 2 or 3 or more mental breakdowns, but I think I'm alright. I'm supposed not to expecting anything anymore, because I knew myself how it would turn into.  Another life lesson, do not expect anything, even it is from your hardwork, or from anyone, even from someone you trust the most, or someone that you met on the way. Maybe I should write it on my new year resolution: Less heartbreak, do the hardwork without any expectation, or maybe just less expectation. 

If I reflected from story of Adam and Hawa who descended from heaven, separated for years, or the story of Musa who took a flee from the country, even though before he lives in the palace, or the story of three sahaba who didn't join the war with no excuses. They all have something in common, they're done the wrongdoing, then repent to Allah and Allah accepted their tauba, and they're got tested by Allah, either it was descended from the heaven, or being chased by the authorities with no money, no home or whatsoever, or people was banned from talking to them for more than a month until Allah accepted their tauba.  We're not suppose to take wrongdoings lightly, and the point of repentance is that you really mean it, not a slight Astaghfirullah without any remorseful in it. Allah tested us to see if our iman is true. And don't just see the test itself, Allah prepare something better after the storm. Can you felt the relief from three sahaba who was been forgiven and t...

I dunno if it's just my hallucinations or assumptions or maybe it is a path that I'm searching for. For me this life really feels like an open ocean, but I don't really have a destination to berthed to. I don't know when it began, or maybe from the very start I don't really set my goal as everyone did. I believe the major that I took is my takdir, but not mindfulnessly. Everyone is working with their all when it comes to their goal. Maybe I played around too much. As a diver who dives the ocean and was told to take a pearl oyster, but instead he wandering around, amazed with the beauty of the ocean, until his oxygen tank almost empty and come back with empty hand. That describe my life almost exactly. I think I don't really had a goal or a dream anymore, that also made me think that my life is useless and there's no difference between the fact that I'm alive or I'm gone.  But some people these year remind me that I do might have something useful. May...

Ngerasa ngga si, sejak timeline dipenuhi sama berita genosida saudara-saudara kita di Palestina dan Libanon, kadang pas lagi aktivitas apapun itu, jadi suka zooming out. Sometimes you even feel bad for having a good meal, having good time on your own or with your loves one, smiling and laughing with children, it's all happens because you remember that devastating documentation that you saw in social media. It's so hard to witness those horrible scenes even just from our screen.  Imagine if you're on the scene, witnessing those massacre every single day for more than a year. Exhausted from running here and there, losing one by one of your family members, friends, neighbors, sometimes someone losing all at once, being a sole survivor, losing limbs, on the edge of hunger every single day. My hardship is nothing if I compare it with theirs. But they remain steadfast, they even do syukr so much better than me. Their iman are on the other level.  I'm so sad that I can't d...

EVERYONE MUST DOWNLOAD THE UPDATED VERSION OF BAYYINAH TV APP Besides now the app is available for a free version, so it is accessible for me as a fakir *muehehe, this version also seems easier to use *maybe they upgraded the UI, but I don't really understand in that matter.  As a matter of ustadh Nouman objective to provide a profound learning about Qur'an, how he explain in a storytelling manner with given context are such an eyes opening. Nowadays I tried a little to learn systematically as ustadh Nouman said, and I found that it easier for me to learn with given context as ustadh Adi and ustadh Nouman used to do. It gives me a better illustration, feeling and surroundings and context of ayahs.  Tipe belajar orang kan memang beda-beda, I'm not saying that some ustadh are less then the other, it's just I learn better in that manner. This also the reason why I rarely go to the majlis that I used to go to, and try to attend ustadh Adi lecture. And I more likely learning...

I've got something on my bucketlist that I might gonna pursue.  Bikin tempat makan dengan space yang besar di Jabodetabek.  Mungkin sebagai baby step akan merencanakan untuk jual makanan online. This morning, I wondering why is it so hard to keep coming to Majlis Ilmu. Mungkin azam gua memang kurang kuat untuk datang ke majelis ilmu, tapi pas tinggal di Jogja senang je.  Alhamdulillah di Jogja setiap hari selalu ada kajian. Saat sulit datang ke yang jauh, ada kajian di masjid dekat kos. Saat lagi futur, ada kajian dengan bahasan tematik dan ringan tapi tetap ngena. Saat ngga ingat Allah, ada teman yg selalu ngajak ke kajian (si Ubi), Alhamdulillah.  Kalau jarak ke tempat kajian dekat atau agak jauh biasanya gua naik sepeda atau jalan kaki. Kalau lagi sama si Ubi dan tempatnya agak jauh, ada 2 orang baik yang jadi tempat kita buat pinjam motor hehe. Kalau ngga dapet, kadang gua naik sepeda dan si Ubi naik gojek. Setelah kita dapet ilmu tentang ikhtilat, si Ubi bahkan ...

I forgot why I named this blog as dreamer. But I remember it used to be written in japanese. I'm not that nerd, but I used to read and watch the same japanese manga dan drama from time to time. I refuse to forget and looking for a new title to read and watch. Likewise with music, I only listen from some specific singers or bands that I'm used to listen to, or some opening and ending songs of animes, doramas or movies. Pokoe wes ketok like some Kpopers nowadays, but Otaku version.  Kalo diinget-inget lagi, kayanya mimpi gua dulu sangat diwarnai oleh kakak gua yg jauh lebih nerd pada masanya *wkwk. Kalo sekarang ditanya apa mimpi yg gua tulis disini atau dimanapun itu masih mau diusahakan?, mungkin jawabannya depends on which dreams is it. Belakangan, tahun-tahun ini kaya ditampar sama kenyataan, semua yg setengah-setengah *ini keknya gua banget, never been wholeheartedly into something* akhirnya juga bakal setengah-setengah, tapi maknanya mungkin bisa diartikan in a bad way, but...

I wonder, if I'm with you now, is this life gonna be easier. Life felt way too hard these days, as if I can't hold myself back together. I always thought life will be easier tomorrow, then I found myself laughing in a tragedy, where actually sadness is all over the place, but hope is in the corner. Again, I never thought if I allowed to cry in front of people.  Nope, it felt different this time, I kept thinking about what palestinian people said in so many video, "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakiil". Cry, hug, telling someone about it might make it easier, but it's not what it is. "you" Are not the answer in this moment, but "Him" Is the actual answer. I think about how my brother not in the position to help me back then. But I also think about how easy I got to the sidewalk, while a life threatening moment could be happened, how coincidentally there were bapak gocar who check on me, how abang² starling pointing out my motor-belt was broken and g...

It's not like I have a metal heart, it's not like it is numb and I don't feel anything. I do fall from time to time, I do like someone, and these days aren't the exceptions.  It's just not proper in my opinion to express my interest moreover romantically toward someone.  Because I don't know who actually destined to be with me *if death doesn't come first*. So this feeling is worthless. You can't let loves grow toward any people, it's sucks if he's actually not my destiny. So in my case, I'm just not gonna let my feelings grow except the time when it's halal to do so. Isn't it easier that way?  Well going through it doesn't as easy as it sounds. I do feel brokenhearted, it is not easy to stop your feeling. But trust me, time will heal. It's okay if it feels hurt today, one day you'll realize that those feelings are temporary.