(Dreamer)

EVERYONE MUST DOWNLOAD THE UPDATED VERSION OF BAYYINAH TV APP Besides now the app is available for a free version, so it is accessible for me as a fakir *muehehe, this version also seems easier to use *maybe they upgraded the UI, but I don't really understand in that matter.  As a matter of ustadh Nouman objective to provide a profound learning about Qur'an, how he explain in a storytelling manner with given context are such an eyes opening. Nowadays I tried a little to learn systematically as ustadh Nouman said, and I found that it easier for me to learn with given context as ustadh Adi and ustadh Nouman used to do. It gives me a better illustration, feeling and surroundings and context of ayahs.  Tipe belajar orang kan memang beda-beda, I'm not saying that some ustadh are less then the other, it's just I learn better in that manner. This also the reason why I rarely go to the majlis that I used to go to, and try to attend ustadh Adi lecture. And I more likely learning...

Ternyata interaksi yg kita kira biasa aja, seperti pertemanan pada umumnya, bisa memiliki arti yang berbeda di orang lain. Mungkin itu yang bikin ghibah itu asik ya, padahal haram :3. Dulu, pas belum tau lebih dalam tentang ikhtilat dan batasan antara laki-laki dan perempuan, ngerasa biasa aja chattingan dan main sama lawan jenis. Tapi buat salaman, karena waktu MTs pernah salaman sekali, and it felt so wierd, so I never shaked my hand with boys in my class after that. But since junior high school, I always had 1 or 2 or 3 opposite gender friends to talk to about anime, music, game etc. Entah kenapa mereka lebih asik diajak ngobrol dan mabar di fb dibandingkan anak cewe *sepertinya karena anak cewe ngga ada yg nonton Naruto dan anime yg saat itu lagi tayang di tv si :'. Same goes with high school, but in high school I was more exposed about how man and woman supposed to be separated, and I have one lovely 'Naruto mate' to talk and befriend with. Tapi tetap aja, chattingan, ...

I've got something on my bucketlist that I might gonna pursue.  Bikin tempat makan dengan space yang besar di Jabodetabek.  Mungkin sebagai baby step akan merencanakan untuk jual makanan online. This morning, I wondering why is it so hard to keep coming to Majlis Ilmu. Mungkin azam gua memang kurang kuat untuk datang ke majelis ilmu, tapi pas tinggal di Jogja senang je.  Alhamdulillah di Jogja setiap hari selalu ada kajian. Saat sulit datang ke yang jauh, ada kajian di masjid dekat kos. Saat lagi futur, ada kajian dengan bahasan tematik dan ringan tapi tetap ngena. Saat ngga ingat Allah, ada teman yg selalu ngajak ke kajian (si Ubi), Alhamdulillah.  Kalau jarak ke tempat kajian dekat atau agak jauh biasanya gua naik sepeda atau jalan kaki. Kalau lagi sama si Ubi dan tempatnya agak jauh, ada 2 orang baik yang jadi tempat kita buat pinjam motor hehe. Kalau ngga dapet, kadang gua naik sepeda dan si Ubi naik gojek. Setelah kita dapet ilmu tentang ikhtilat, si Ubi bahkan ...

I forgot why I named this blog as dreamer. But I remember it used to be written in japanese. I'm not that nerd, but I used to read and watch the same japanese manga dan drama from time to time. I refuse to forget and looking for a new title to read and watch. Likewise with music, I only listen from some specific singers or bands that I'm used to listen to, or some opening and ending songs of animes, doramas or movies. Pokoe wes ketok like some Kpopers nowadays, but Otaku version.  Kalo diinget-inget lagi, kayanya mimpi gua dulu sangat diwarnai oleh kakak gua yg jauh lebih nerd pada masanya *wkwk. Kalo sekarang ditanya apa mimpi yg gua tulis disini atau dimanapun itu masih mau diusahakan?, mungkin jawabannya depends on which dreams is it. Belakangan, tahun-tahun ini kaya ditampar sama kenyataan, semua yg setengah-setengah *ini keknya gua banget, never been wholeheartedly into something* akhirnya juga bakal setengah-setengah, tapi maknanya mungkin bisa diartikan in a bad way, but...

I wonder, if I'm with you now, is this life gonna be easier. Life felt way too hard these days, as if I can't hold myself back together. I always thought life will be easier tomorrow, then I found myself laughing in a tragedy, where actually sadness is all over the place, but hope is in the corner. Again, I never thought if I allowed to cry in front of people.  Nope, it felt different this time, I kept thinking about what palestinian people said in so many video, "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakiil". Cry, hug, telling someone about it might make it easier, but it's not what it is. "you" Are not the answer in this moment, but "Him" Is the actual answer. I think about how my brother not in the position to help me back then. But I also think about how easy I got to the sidewalk, while a life threatening moment could be happened, how coincidentally there were bapak gocar who check on me, how abang² starling pointing out my motor-belt was broken and g...

It's not like I have a metal heart, it's not like it is numb and I don't feel anything. I do fall from time to time, I do like someone, and these days aren't the exceptions.  It's just not proper in my opinion to express my interest moreover romantically toward someone.  Because I don't know who actually destined to be with me *if death doesn't come first*. So this feeling is worthless. You can't let loves grow toward any people, it's sucks if he's actually not my destiny. So in my case, I'm just not gonna let my feelings grow except the time when it's halal to do so. Isn't it easier that way?  Well going through it doesn't as easy as it sounds. I do feel brokenhearted, it is not easy to stop your feeling. But trust me, time will heal. It's okay if it feels hurt today, one day you'll realize that those feelings are temporary. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal Alhamdulillah masih bisa kerja, walaupun ngga tau rencana Allah gimana, dan sampai saat ini masih diperpanjang terus sampai akhir tahun.  Ngga tau, rasanya agak hampa, karena minggu ini belum kajian lagi kali ya...  Alhamdulillah Allah kasih teman² yang selalu ngajakin apa aja, kajian, lari, main, makan... They're so lovely, and way too kind toward me...  Tapi otak manusia kufur nikmat ini masih aja demen ngeluh. Mungkin karena imannya lagi turun. Tapi mau sampai kapan dibiarin turun, usaha kali mbak.  Belakangan hampir setiap hari pulang malem terus, entah abis pulang kerja langsung lari, kajian, atau sekedar makan bareng, Alhamdulillah manusia² disekitar gua banyak yg sama randomnya, suka random ngajak ini itu dan kuy aja diajakin ini itu. Insya Allah masih di koridor halal dan mubah.  Tapi, mungkin emang pada mode default-nya manusia itu butuh pelengkap ya?. Keknya ada aja satu titik dimana I need someone, missing someone, padahal...