(Dreamer)

I've got something on my bucketlist that I might gonna pursue.  Bikin tempat makan dengan space yang besar di Jabodetabek.  Mungkin sebagai baby step akan merencanakan untuk jual makanan online. This morning, I wondering why is it so hard to keep coming to Majlis Ilmu. Mungkin azam gua memang kurang kuat untuk datang ke majelis ilmu, tapi pas tinggal di Jogja senang je.  Alhamdulillah di Jogja setiap hari selalu ada kajian. Saat sulit datang ke yang jauh, ada kajian di masjid dekat kos. Saat lagi futur, ada kajian dengan bahasan tematik dan ringan tapi tetap ngena. Saat ngga ingat Allah, ada teman yg selalu ngajak ke kajian (si Ubi), Alhamdulillah.  Kalau jarak ke tempat kajian dekat atau agak jauh biasanya gua naik sepeda atau jalan kaki. Kalau lagi sama si Ubi dan tempatnya agak jauh, ada 2 orang baik yang jadi tempat kita buat pinjam motor hehe. Kalau ngga dapet, kadang gua naik sepeda dan si Ubi naik gojek. Setelah kita dapet ilmu tentang ikhtilat, si Ubi bahkan ...

I forgot why I named this blog as dreamer. But I remember it used to be written in japanese. I'm not that nerd, but I used to read and watch the same japanese manga dan drama from time to time. I refuse to forget and looking for a new title to read and watch. Likewise with music, I only listen from some specific singers or bands that I'm used to listen to, or some opening and ending songs of animes, doramas or movies. Pokoe wes ketok like some Kpopers nowadays, but Otaku version.  Kalo diinget-inget lagi, kayanya mimpi gua dulu sangat diwarnai oleh kakak gua yg jauh lebih nerd pada masanya *wkwk. Kalo sekarang ditanya apa mimpi yg gua tulis disini atau dimanapun itu masih mau diusahakan?, mungkin jawabannya depends on which dreams is it. Belakangan, tahun-tahun ini kaya ditampar sama kenyataan, semua yg setengah-setengah *ini keknya gua banget, never been wholeheartedly into something* akhirnya juga bakal setengah-setengah, tapi maknanya mungkin bisa diartikan in a bad way, but...

I wonder, if I'm with you now, is this life gonna be easier. Life felt way too hard these days, as if I can't hold myself back together. I always thought life will be easier tomorrow, then I found myself laughing in a tragedy, where actually sadness is all over the place, but hope is in the corner. Again, I never thought if I allowed to cry in front of people.  Nope, it felt different this time, I kept thinking about what palestinian people said in so many video, "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakiil". Cry, hug, telling someone about it might make it easier, but it's not what it is. "you" Are not the answer in this moment, but "Him" Is the actual answer. I think about how my brother not in the position to help me back then. But I also think about how easy I got to the sidewalk, while a life threatening moment could be happened, how coincidentally there were bapak gocar who check on me, how abang² starling pointing out my motor-belt was broken and g...

It's not like I have a metal heart, it's not like it is numb and I don't feel anything. I do fall from time to time, I do like someone, and these days aren't the exceptions.  It's just not proper in my opinion to express my interest moreover romantically toward someone.  Because I don't know who actually destined to be with me *if death doesn't come first*. So this feeling is worthless. You can't let loves grow toward any people, it's sucks if he's actually not my destiny. So in my case, I'm just not gonna let my feelings grow except the time when it's halal to do so. Isn't it easier that way?  Well going through it doesn't as easy as it sounds. I do feel brokenhearted, it is not easy to stop your feeling. But trust me, time will heal. It's okay if it feels hurt today, one day you'll realize that those feelings are temporary. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal Alhamdulillah masih bisa kerja, walaupun ngga tau rencana Allah gimana, dan sampai saat ini masih diperpanjang terus sampai akhir tahun.  Ngga tau, rasanya agak hampa, karena minggu ini belum kajian lagi kali ya...  Alhamdulillah Allah kasih teman² yang selalu ngajakin apa aja, kajian, lari, main, makan... They're so lovely, and way too kind toward me...  Tapi otak manusia kufur nikmat ini masih aja demen ngeluh. Mungkin karena imannya lagi turun. Tapi mau sampai kapan dibiarin turun, usaha kali mbak.  Belakangan hampir setiap hari pulang malem terus, entah abis pulang kerja langsung lari, kajian, atau sekedar makan bareng, Alhamdulillah manusia² disekitar gua banyak yg sama randomnya, suka random ngajak ini itu dan kuy aja diajakin ini itu. Insya Allah masih di koridor halal dan mubah.  Tapi, mungkin emang pada mode default-nya manusia itu butuh pelengkap ya?. Keknya ada aja satu titik dimana I need someone, missing someone, padahal...

 You know what,  I don't miss Jogja as I was. Back then I missed Jogja waaaay too much, because there are too many memories, great one, there.  And I know, the key is you need new things to think, than you're going to forget what you were missed back than.  Yhaa Jogja adalah magical words that means kenangan yang bikin senyam senyum sendiri kalo diinget . Pertama kali kesini kesitu, pertama kali melakukan hal ini dan itu, ketemu ini dan itu, sadar akan perasaan baru toward someone, tau rasanya gagal, kecewa, sedih, bahagia, rindu semuanya campur jadi satu. Tapi sekarang sudah agak lupa rasanya, karena terlarut di circle baru dijakarta. Rasanya tidak pernah sedalam di Jogja, tapi sedikit mengobati kerinduan bercengkrama dengan orang. 

I already reached the age that makes me felt lonely, bcs a lot if ppl at my ages in my country send their invitation or photo of their weddings, or photos of their 1st or 2nd child Kalo masih bulan lalu beda lagi ceritanya. Masalahnya I'm surrounded by people who're ready and already prepared to be married, dimana gua adalah manusia tertua di circle terbaru ini.  Padahal sebelum ini biasa aja, ngga tau ya kenapa vibesnya jadi berubah, sekarang² pingin nyanyi lonely... I feel so lonely, I have nobody.... Wkwk 😄😢. Tapi, gua yakin Allah pasti mempertemukan atau bisa juga gua mati duluan si, tapi tetep aja, gua yakin Allah pasti akan memberikan yang terbaik diwaktu yang tepat. Walaupun gua sama sekali belom bisa mencium aroma-aroma kapannya.  Nda apa-apa kalo teman² disekitar gua udah punya, mau dengan cara yg ma'ruf atau pacaran atau apalah, yang pasti, gua ngga boleh ikut²an. Allah udah memahamkan untuk ngga menyentuh hal² yang memang ngga dibolehkan. Ujian itu emang melati...