(Dreamer)

I really want to cultivate mushroom :3. I'm thinking of making home scale production of button mushroom or Rhizopus sp. for tempeh starter, actually I'm also thinking about cultivating oyster mushroom, but there're already abundance amount of oyster mushroom in the store and traditional market, so I'm hesitating that species. But that's faar away ahead if I successfully start all those wacana and start home base research and hopefully successfully cultivate those store bought mushroom/tempeh. Maybe gonna start this project next month * hopefully not another procrastination, or another abandoned wacana. 

Kata ustadz Adi, kalau mau meningkatkan takwa, salah satu bentuk ikhtiarnya bikin tabel, mungkin semacam checklist 'amal yaumi kali ya?!. Pas banget si momennya, mumpung sedang menyongsong Ramadhan yang lebih baik, hayuk lah di realisasikan :3

I think, I'm just gonna do the journaling to make up my mind, because talking to a friend is not an easy thing as we get older. I don't really have a friend, if she's the one that intensely keep in touch with. Friends in my life are those who I met or contact when it is a time to do so. Pretty complicated but, low maintenance friendship is all we need as we getting old. I don't feel right to tell them my problems, and I don't think that it is easy to tell them what I feel, so I'm doing an easier work, that is to write them all.  If it's an update of me, it's me getting another allergic reaction. Well I have oversensitive immune system since I was a child. making it so hard to put socks and shoes. But teachers back then didn't want to understand, and we also couldn't pick up some of those scientific and medical reason, so in some season, I came home with itchy and hurting feet with socks sticking with infected skin and I had no idea how could I ma...

I'm surprised myself that I'm doing okay actually. No one ever knew what's going on with my life this year, except my family, but not whole fully understood what's going on, especially on my mind. I'm jumping from one heartbreak to another, and I'm perfectly fine *physically. Maybe 2 or 3 or more mental breakdowns, but I think I'm alright. I'm supposed not to expecting anything anymore, because I knew myself how it would turn into.  Another life lesson, do not expect anything, even it is from your hardwork, or from anyone, even from someone you trust the most, or someone that you met on the way. Maybe I should write it on my new year resolution: Less heartbreak, do the hardwork without any expectation, or maybe just less expectation. 

If I reflected from story of Adam and Hawa who descended from heaven, separated for years, or the story of Musa who took a flee from the country, even though before he lives in the palace, or the story of three sahaba who didn't join the war with no excuses. They all have something in common, they're done the wrongdoing, then repent to Allah and Allah accepted their tauba, and they're got tested by Allah, either it was descended from the heaven, or being chased by the authorities with no money, no home or whatsoever, or people was banned from talking to them for more than a month until Allah accepted their tauba.  We're not suppose to take wrongdoings lightly, and the point of repentance is that you really mean it, not a slight Astaghfirullah without any remorseful in it. Allah tested us to see if our iman is true. And don't just see the test itself, Allah prepare something better after the storm. Can you felt the relief from three sahaba who was been forgiven and t...

I dunno if it's just my hallucinations or assumptions or maybe it is a path that I'm searching for. For me this life really feels like an open ocean, but I don't really have a destination to berthed to. I don't know when it began, or maybe from the very start I don't really set my goal as everyone did. I believe the major that I took is my takdir, but not mindfulnessly. Everyone is working with their all when it comes to their goal. Maybe I played around too much. As a diver who dives the ocean and was told to take a pearl oyster, but instead he wandering around, amazed with the beauty of the ocean, until his oxygen tank almost empty and come back with empty hand. That describe my life almost exactly. I think I don't really had a goal or a dream anymore, that also made me think that my life is useless and there's no difference between the fact that I'm alive or I'm gone.  But some people these year remind me that I do might have something useful. May...