(Dreamer)

Haha I'm officially 30 y.o Mixed feeling actually. You know, you've being told so many things by so many human in your life that life is gonna be this and that. And you also heard hadits told about things and you read stories. But in some moment of your life,  you're realized what it actually means by going through it. Is it another kind of nonesense?  Maybe, is it a reflection? Nah I don't think so.  ..... I was into birthday things just like the other kids around me. But because my family almost never celebrating those kind of things, I kinda lose interest and trying not to 'romanticize' birthday to the point, I felt annoyed when people in my class started to sing, and of course I ran away.  Ada beberapa momen yg cukup memorable di bulan Januari especially on that day or even february. Yang paling berkesan itu, pas Mama dan Bapak ke asrama, out of nowhere, just both of them, and giving me mp3 player I've been wishing for, and I didn't even think they a...

I raaarely used AI chatting app. Soale I usually used it for curcol purposes most of times. And it just validate anything you say, and giving you insight you might already know. Itumah sama aja kaya things I'm doing now, writing nonsense on this blog. I know I'm just trying to validate whatever I think it's right,  padahal long long way in the bottom of my heart sometimes I know "right" things I supposed to take.  Jadi paham kan kenapa manusia disebut an-Nas, sebagai makhluk yg berkelompok,  bersosial?! . Walaupun beda orang, beda waktu, beda jumlah dan densitas circlenya, kita tetep punya kecondongan untuk bersosial secara nyata atau maya, even if it's in game, medsos etc etc. Bahkan ketika kita matipun, impossible we don't need other people, kecuali mayat kita ngga ditemukan atau kesholihannya menembus langit, sampai janaiz dilakukan oleh malaikat *wallahu a'lam if it's possible.  Jadi, I think AI would never replacing real human. I still need ot...

I supposed to make one writing a day this month. Hmm I don't know, I think it was started from last month or two months ago. I barely open my eyes throughout nights and sometimes days too. I know it's one of my coping mechanism, I don't want to think about problems, just sleep. Sometimes it tooks 4-9 hours, on some worst day, I think I've ever slept for 12 hours or more. I even lost focus on some part of Ittiba, because I was so sleepy :( Hmm I'm not supposed to write this :(, my plan is to write and think again to find hikmah, or do syukr, or anything to make me think and perhaps getting closer to my Rabb. Well maybe sleeping out my problem somehow is a grace from my Rabb. How many people need to seek professional help only to help them sleep from their busy head. Alhamdulillah bini'mati tatimush shalihaats :3.  It's almost ramadhan again, and alhamdulillah asatidz on my yt and ig timeline talk about du'a "Allahumma baariklana fii rajaba wa sya...

Being so much distracted lately. From not-so-productive crocheting, up to another unstoppable noodle time. I'm quitting comparing my self, my state, etc to the other, because the after effect isn't something manageable, it's more likely destructive. And things that more and more noticeable as I'm starting to listen to ustadzah Tika Faiza is, I'm becoming aware of my so called psychological states in some moments. When I think I need to control my anger, and try to alter my thoughts about my problems and concerns, learn to identify things that are manageable over inevitable qadar, or maybe simply learn to be more calm in any situations (although I fail over and over again).  When I'm observing my parents and siblings and niece, I think I know one of many reasons I'm not thinking that much about marriage and the fact that it is part of my takdir (up until now). Because I know what my objectives are and marriage must be the hardest test of my life, and I'm ...

Ubi apa kabar ya?  Padahal sebelum puasa udah excited banget dan my head got ahead of me *as usual, mbayangin another safari ramadhan with her, I really couldn't wait :). Makannya pas doi ngabarin insya Allah bakal ngambil job di tangsel hayati couldn't tone down my excitement to find her a kosan room by ma bike. She was one of many sources of happiness pas jaman sekrp**an, ano ko wa daijin no hito desu. Back then, I actually been hesitated to come to majlis ilmu at first, but because she was the one who asked me first to go to maskam (and she was chatting me out of nowhere), everything gotten so much easier and clearer. I really didn't know where to start but alhamdulillah, she was like a gift that Allah sent to fixed me.  Tapi qadarullah doi ngga jadi pindah dan ngambil jobnya :(. I really hope that she get a better job soon and anything the best for her, and I really hope to see her again someday. I was in jin mode *always been and probably will still be in near future. ...

"Jangan ragu untuk belajar dari yang terbaik di seluruh dunia" - Anies Baswedan I think my mental block was all over my head that making me kinda scared to go out from this country. Going out from this chamber sounds so impossible and hardly be achieved. There are decent counts of reasons and I'm still thinking that overseas is way to far, even just to gain master degree. I always doubting about my capacity before even try.  I still had no idea if it achievable, and maybe,  maybe, I would actually try to apply to study somewhere somehow in the future. Sounds like another wacana right?!. Well I'll let it be I guess. If the time is right, I believe I might really try. Like now, I somehow approaching to inoculate some mushrooms. Well, I'm still trying to find some simple equipment, and decomposing that accessible potential substrate, and I still had no idea if it really gonna work. Well let's see aja kali ya :3.