(Dreamer)

Tadi malam ada yg cerita ke bang co that she/he hardly make a decision especially when the other were affected by it. I've been there, and I know although you act strong on the outside, the guilt wouldn't came off of your head. But I'm sure everyone would learn and taking notes in a progress, so you can make decisions more wisely and somehow you're gonna used to it in the future.  Sebenernya yg mau gua hightlight adalah kata-kata bang co yg, "Kalo orang yang ada didalam masalah tuh kadang ngga bisa lihat variabel-variabel lain.... Bagi orang yg lagi didalam masalah, masalahnya itu berasa pelik sampai pusing banget". 100% truuuue banget kata gua teh. Nah karena gua mager ngetik, mari kita ikhtiarkan variabel lain sambil berdoa dan bersabar dalam masalah hidup yang Allah kasih buat meningkatkan kebaikan dalam diri kita. Oiya sekalian sambil beli barbel buat nambahin otot yg ilang 💪.

My niece told me about normal things, I think in every school and generations "ceng cengan". Whoaa tiba-tiba kek nyadar umur, ponakan kecilku sekarang sudah besar. Adiknya yg beda setahun bilang, "iya tuh kakak di sekolah ada yg suka", trus Uminya langsung nyamber sama pembahasan bocah-bocah sama tantenya sebelumnya. "Kakak kalo suka tuh ngga apa-apa, wajar, tapi kalo nyatain gitu ngga boleh ya kak". It is that time of their life already. Bener kata kakak gua, mungkin referensi kita sama, atau bisa jadi beda, karena banyak ustadz yg membekali kita dengan nasihat yang sama atau at least serupa. Tapi as I said, in so many occasions, menjalaninya ngga semudah itu. Sebelum gua paham, gua juga punya prinsip yang sama sebelumnya. Tapi, yang paling susah itu menata hati. Bayangin crush dari jaman MI baru bener-bener kelar pas kuliah. Padahal ketemunya lagi cuma sekali di acara reuni tahun baruan pas kelas 12. Setelah belajar, masih sama kok, tetep susah move on. ...

Haha I'm officially 30 y.o Mixed feeling actually. You know, you've being told so many things by so many human in your life that life is gonna be this and that. And you also heard hadits told about things and you read stories. But in some moment of your life,  you're realized what it actually means by going through it. Is it another kind of nonesense?  Maybe, is it a reflection? Nah I don't think so.  ..... I was into birthday things just like the other kids around me. But because my family almost never celebrating those kind of things, I kinda lose interest and trying not to 'romanticize' birthday to the point, I felt annoyed when people in my class started to sing, and of course I ran away.  Ada beberapa momen yg cukup memorable di bulan Januari especially on that day or even february. Yang paling berkesan itu, pas Mama dan Bapak ke asrama, out of nowhere, just both of them, and giving me mp3 player I've been wishing for, and I didn't even think they a...

I raaarely used AI chatting app. Soale I usually used it for curcol purposes most of times. And it just validate anything you say, and giving you insight you might already know. Itumah sama aja kaya things I'm doing now, writing nonsense on this blog. I know I'm just trying to validate whatever I think it's right,  padahal long long way in the bottom of my heart sometimes I know "right" things I supposed to take.  Jadi paham kan kenapa manusia disebut an-Nas, sebagai makhluk yg berkelompok,  bersosial?! . Walaupun beda orang, beda waktu, beda jumlah dan densitas circlenya, kita tetep punya kecondongan untuk bersosial secara nyata atau maya, even if it's in game, medsos etc etc. Bahkan ketika kita matipun, impossible we don't need other people, kecuali mayat kita ngga ditemukan atau kesholihannya menembus langit, sampai janaiz dilakukan oleh malaikat *wallahu a'lam if it's possible.  Jadi, I think AI would never replacing real human. I still need ot...

I supposed to make one writing a day this month. Hmm I don't know, I think it was started from last month or two months ago. I barely open my eyes throughout nights and sometimes days too. I know it's one of my coping mechanism, I don't want to think about problems, just sleep. Sometimes it tooks 4-9 hours, on some worst day, I think I've ever slept for 12 hours or more. I even lost focus on some part of Ittiba, because I was so sleepy :( Hmm I'm not supposed to write this :(, my plan is to write and think again to find hikmah, or do syukr, or anything to make me think and perhaps getting closer to my Rabb. Well maybe sleeping out my problem somehow is a grace from my Rabb. How many people need to seek professional help only to help them sleep from their busy head. Alhamdulillah bini'mati tatimush shalihaats :3.  It's almost ramadhan again, and alhamdulillah asatidz on my yt and ig timeline talk about du'a "Allahumma baariklana fii rajaba wa sya...

Being so much distracted lately. From not-so-productive crocheting, up to another unstoppable noodle time. I'm quitting comparing my self, my state, etc to the other, because the after effect isn't something manageable, it's more likely destructive. And things that more and more noticeable as I'm starting to listen to ustadzah Tika Faiza is, I'm becoming aware of my so called psychological states in some moments. When I think I need to control my anger, and try to alter my thoughts about my problems and concerns, learn to identify things that are manageable over inevitable qadar, or maybe simply learn to be more calm in any situations (although I fail over and over again).  When I'm observing my parents and siblings and niece, I think I know one of many reasons I'm not thinking that much about marriage and the fact that it is part of my takdir (up until now). Because I know what my objectives are and marriage must be the hardest test of my life, and I'm ...