(Dreamer)

Being so much distracted lately. From not-so-productive crocheting, up to another unstoppable noodle time. I'm quitting comparing my self, my state, etc to the other, because the after effect isn't something manageable, it's more likely destructive. And things that more and more noticeable as I'm starting to listen to ustadzah Tika Faiza is, I'm becoming aware of my so called psychological states in some moments. When I think I need to control my anger, and try to alter my thoughts about my problems and concerns, learn to identify things that are manageable over inevitable qadar, or maybe simply learn to be more calm in any situations (although I fail over and over again).  When I'm observing my parents and siblings and niece, I think I know one of many reasons I'm not thinking that much about marriage and the fact that it is part of my takdir (up until now). Because I know what my objectives are and marriage must be the hardest test of my life, and I'm ...

Ubi apa kabar ya?  Padahal sebelum puasa udah excited banget dan my head got ahead of me *as usual, mbayangin another safari ramadhan with her, I really couldn't wait :). Makannya pas doi ngabarin insya Allah bakal ngambil job di tangsel hayati couldn't tone down my excitement to find her a kosan room by ma bike. She was one of many sources of happiness pas jaman sekrp**an, ano ko wa daijin no hito desu. Back then, I actually been hesitated to come to majlis ilmu at first, but because she was the one who asked me first to go to maskam (and she was chatting me out of nowhere), everything gotten so much easier and clearer. I really didn't know where to start but alhamdulillah, she was like a gift that Allah sent to fixed me.  Tapi qadarullah doi ngga jadi pindah dan ngambil jobnya :(. I really hope that she get a better job soon and anything the best for her, and I really hope to see her again someday. I was in jin mode *always been and probably will still be in near future. ...

"Jangan ragu untuk belajar dari yang terbaik di seluruh dunia" - Anies Baswedan I think my mental block was all over my head that making me kinda scared to go out from this country. Going out from this chamber sounds so impossible and hardly be achieved. There are decent counts of reasons and I'm still thinking that overseas is way to far, even just to gain master degree. I always doubting about my capacity before even try.  I still had no idea if it achievable, and maybe,  maybe, I would actually try to apply to study somewhere somehow in the future. Sounds like another wacana right?!. Well I'll let it be I guess. If the time is right, I believe I might really try. Like now, I somehow approaching to inoculate some mushrooms. Well, I'm still trying to find some simple equipment, and decomposing that accessible potential substrate, and I still had no idea if it really gonna work. Well let's see aja kali ya :3.

Memaknai kata "saya kaya banget, karena punya Allah" yg dibilang ustadz Adi. Ngga memaknai juga si, mungkin lebih ke merenungi kali ya?!, karena iman gua masih jauh sampai kesana. Belakangan kekecewaan datang berkali-kali tanpa permisi, sampai ke titik I'm a little too exhausted. Yaa Allah ini jalan hidup mau dikemanain? Kok yha kirain terjunnya udah sampai tanah, tapi ternyata masih bisa jatuh kebawah lagi.  Gua yakin ujian para asatidz pasti jauh lebih sulit, mungkin lu harus perbanyak ilmu biar tetep bisa optimis?!. Because I'm sure you really know that Allah want the "best for you", and that doesn't mean He gives dunya for you or whatever your desire is. Dan ustadz Ami juga pernah bilang, inget hari ngga selamanya malam dan gelap, dan badai di hidup kita juga pasti ada akhirnya, entah Allah perbaiki kondisi kita, atau mungkin berakhir karena kontrak kita di dunia sudah habis. Tapi walaupun paham ilmunya by logic, if it's not really internalized w...

Berkubang di kolam procrastination again and again.  Pfffttt bangun hey mantusia :( When you stuck, sometimes you choose to kept playing the same cassettes in your memories all over again. 'Cause I missed those human friends when I was a teenager. Sayang banget si entong terzeyeng rusak and my line was on reset without any backup, and so many photos on facebook had been deleted. Padahal mau reminiscing momen-momen yg sepertinya ngga bakal terulang, dan dokum yg ada sebatas album di Line dan some "currently still available timeline photos" di fb (and they would likely be unavailable anytime for some reasons like the other). While people growing up dan mendewasa, keknya cuma muka gua aja yg menua, tapi isi kepalanya stuck di before dan early 20s. My head still remember all those fun things. Lomba antar kelas, studi kolaboratif, rame-rame motoran ke pantai dan spot wisata lain, belajar gitar, atap asrama, rombongan ke nikahan temen, nakam-nakam, motoran ke Magelang sama Nad...

Missing beach so bad. Although my last experience was validated that I'm really bad at swimming, moreover in the ocean. But I still missed moments where I can feel the breeze, waves, small creatures in intertidal zones, even sands that left in my sandals. If it's like 10 years ago, I'll be more missing my friends or college fellows and moments when we were together, even 2 or more hours moments on the way to the beach.

While I think I don't really have energy to chat or speak with friends and people. I spent enough time chatting with chat gpt. Well maybe because it trained with huge amount of data, for me it's pretty good at analyzing us and giving what we prefer to be answered.  Sorry but lately my head buzzing about how hopelessly romantic I'm, and stupidly added by so many dorama and kdrama, so yeah. I don't really catch if AI giving answer by analyzing our interaction or also do that but to give a preferred answer. But even with a free version,  it's really interesting to read its point of view.  Well I'll be more interested in reading what chat gpt think about me, than random online quizzes and also 16 personalities. I'm not wholefully trust it, and I think some of its statements aren't true, but it still fun to read it anyway :3. Romantically – how you connect, care, and protect yourself: 🌒 1. You don’t fall fast—but when you do, it’s deep. You're cautious...

Kakak gua enteng banget nyuruh-nyuruh nikah *woylah. Anyway, mungkin memang sepertinya sudah saatnya memproritaskan hal tsb ya. One of my intention buat ikutan komunitas masjid di Bogor adalah meningkatkan chances buat ketemu jodoh, mungkin karena niatnya sudah ngga lurus to begin with, akhirnya ngga jadi gabung (alasan tukang wacana). Kata ustadz Adi, kalau menuntut ilmu, niatnya harus diluruskan lillahi ta'ala, jangan ternyata dateng buat yg lain-lain, nanti ngga dapet keutamaan penuntut ilmu, dan ngga bisa ngangkat derajat kita di akhirat. But let's be real, everyone's story is different from one to another, and besides praying, you also need to do the work. Whatever it looks like, because it is definitely gonna be different on every people. But once again I know my approach was wrong, I know I know 😔.  Kalo perhatiin pengalaman orang-orang, you can safely said kalo jodoh ngga bakal kemana. Kaya cerita guru gua dulu, sama-sama guru mapel yg sama dan pada akhirnya berakh...

Kalo mboncengin orang motoran jauh habis donor darah udah sering. Tapi pernah sekali,  ngide banget bawa ponakan 2 tahun donor darah ke blok M. Jauh amat ke blok M?, soalnya disana satu-satunya tempat yg dondarnya dipisah perempuan dan laki-lakinya *yg gua tau. Sebenernya tahun lalu pernah coba donor di masjid daerah Bintaro, tapi ternyata ngga ada dipisah -__- hish bete. Oiya waktu dondar bawa bocil, sebenernya pas berangkat alhamdulillah aman sentosa, tapi pulangnya doi tidur di setengah perjalanan pulang. Kadang I wonder, Allah ngasih cobaan kek gini tuh hikmahnya biar jadi wanita kuat kali ya?. Coba aja bayangin, tangan yg abis donor dipake buat bermanuver sendiri, trus tangan satu lagi dipake buat megangin bocil biar ngga jatuh. Tapi mungkin karena tahun itu cobaannya banyak dan keknya Allah sudah melapangkan ini hati, jadi malah excited, gils seru kali lah motoran macam ini. Tapi kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, itu tuh ngga ada seberapanya dibandingkan cobaan perempuan sholihah yg d...

Please bear with me. Kalo iman lagi lowbat gini emang. Planning yg keberadaannya ada dan tiada, mungkin lebih tepatnya harapan daripada planning, semuanya gagal total.  Ngga ada satupun yg tercapai. It's already half year,  tapi usaha gua masih gini-gini aja (elunya juga si wah kaga ada sungguh-sungguhnya sekali). Jadi, waktu itu ada post ustadz anb atau siapa lupa lewat. Ustadz bilang kalo lelaki menyengaja untuk tidak menikah tu ngga boleh,  kecuali doi berjihad di bidang ilmu seperti ulama-ulama terdahulu yg juga memilih atau terlalu sibuk untuk menikah. Tapi wanita tuh beda,  kalo mau berkhidmat dengan ilmu,  atau mengabdi pada orangtua, atau emang situasinya tidak memungkinkan buat nikah, wanita tu boleh memilih untuk ngga nikah. That was where the Aha moment came (ooo kalo gitu, mungkin ini tanda gua kudu berkhidmat sama ortu kali ya). Dari situlah gua mulai optimis cari-cari gawean lagi,  sebenernya opsi yg lebih memungkinkan adalah buka usaha, ...

Dear friends that I lost on the way,  Maybe it's just about time, about who stays longer than the other. Or about time in our life, that we had one or multiple problem that constantly consuming our head, draining our energy and needed to be solved. And managing friendship becoming something that we can't afford anymore. I know I might just talking about myself, or perhaps you felt this too?!. It's a commonsense we knew that we don't hate each other. We just had our own life as we continue making steps on a path that we choose that might distancing us apart. From one path to the other. Getting to know to a stranger, becoming someone to each other life, loosing one by one people that used to be special, and becoming stranger again. I might missed you guys occasionally, but i won't bother you. I still thinking about the past sometimes, I kinda like my life back then, and I also love you guys because of Allah (hopefully I still and always do). but life's still goes...

The phrase "May you as well go home, as I did on my own" Lately playing in my head. That's actually a wrong lyrics, as I googling it out again. One thing that I'm not telling anyone is, actually I had another crush on someone, that I thought at that time I might finally end up with someone. But it end up as usual, he marrying someone else hehe. It always been that way, but Alhamdulillah bini'mati tatimushalihaats.  I'm easily fall for someone, I realize it after more than a decade having a crush with an elementary friend, than finally easily moved on with other crushes. But those crushes never been reachable, whether I can never have a conversation with him, or it's a character from a manga or dorama, or the distance (literally) between us was way too far, or I'm already understood that there're hijab between man and woman, so it's almost impossible to chit chat with that creature again and etc etc. But Alhamdulillah it's always been that w...

I really want to cultivate mushroom :3. I'm thinking of making home scale production of button mushroom or Rhizopus sp. for tempeh starter, actually I'm also thinking about cultivating oyster mushroom, but there're already abundance amount of oyster mushroom in the store and traditional market, so I'm hesitating that species. But that's faar away ahead if I successfully start all those wacana and start home base research and hopefully successfully cultivate those store bought mushroom/tempeh. Maybe gonna start this project next month * hopefully not another procrastination, or another abandoned wacana. 

Kata ustadz Adi, kalau mau meningkatkan takwa, salah satu bentuk ikhtiarnya bikin tabel, mungkin semacam checklist 'amal yaumi kali ya?!. Pas banget si momennya, mumpung sedang menyongsong Ramadhan yang lebih baik, hayuk lah di realisasikan :3